Like My Life #National Poetry day

National Poetry Day I used to call myself a poet, more lately a writer, I have dropped a few poems onto paper and I still have my book ready to go.  I am a published writer and my work has been bought.  It was a big thing for me, people actually read my words and paid for the opportunity to do that.  Today is National Poetry day and in honour of that I write.

Like my life.

Today I sit, wonder and think

I look out at the world

The Buck Stops Here.

I wonder what kind of an upbringing they had?  Often the first response when a teenager or a naughty child comes on the radar,

Not another bloody God botherer!

Staggering,stumbling and swaying, I saw the figure in the distance, drunk…. perhaps, as I get closer I see a familiar figure,pastel blue high waisted track pants, pink turtle necked skivvy that is tucked into her pants,

Dr Google has no bedside manner

Some of my friends that know that I have been struggling with a shoulder injury.  there is some damage to be seen on MRI exams but no diagnosis as yet.  Frustration abounds for me as one thing after another is ruled out and I have been slowly getting worse.  I was at the specialists the other day and she noticed a distinct difference between my arms, a colour change, she seemed to go a little pale and muttered something that needs to be excluded, an unlikely and very rare condition.

Well I had another MRI scan yesterday, over an hour of lying on my back thinking of England,,, sorry wrong blog post, actually I was listening to National Radio, I couldn’t tell you what they were talking about, (tonight it was a special report on cars in Cuba),  Now if you have never had an an MRI scan all I can say is that they are not fun, there is endless questions about the presence of metal, these things are huge magnets and if you have any metal on or in you the result can be very nasty, After lying there with a mask over my face and a brace on my chest I was well enough done, a little discombobulated perhaps, definitely as sore as one gets after lying still for well over an hour in one position.  Unlike xrays there is no instant answer the results have to be read.  Still waiting  a couple of days later my mind strays to the un-named suspect in the case of my shoulder (it is un-named because well I shall explain shortly).  So angst ridden I turned to the internet, aka Dr Google for succor.

Well attending a consultation with Dr Google is problematic, one never knows who is on duty, now before those of you who have had major finds occur from said Dr, I will say there is sometimes good things to learn from Dr G, and sometimes the reverse.  Well for me it was not good, take your pick of the symptoms they were all there that was scary enough, the treatments well they include amputation…. a treatment?  Yes there it was well a rapid shutting of the computer followed by a disturbed evening’s sleep followed.  I have the MRI scan result and it doesn’t tell me anything, back to plan b, a new specialist and who knows what next, some medication just in case is what I do know apart from that… well welcome to my world.

So an evening of wondering was and is a waste of time, I could have written 1500 word for my novel, a new blog post, perhaps even a poem,at least that would have not been a waste, oh and as to the un-named diagnosis, well I just refuse to accept it is an option, la la la I cant, hear it, just too nasty for me.  I am staying away from Dr Google at the moment, and would rather spend my time in a way that is satisfying .  Life can be enough of a challenge at times for me that I don’t need to add any more to it.

Like most people I would like to know what is wrong with me, I know how it happened, I just want to know how it will be fixed.   The human condition is to want to be in charge of everything and to believe that every question has an answer, well sometimes they don’t, not to say I should give up looking but I am over stressing,  takes the laughter away.  Take care,

Paul

Lust, like and love.

Three words that a 15 year old told me they understood the difference between the other day.  I am fortunate in many ways to have many teenagers around me, at work and home, they keep me honest 

Ghosts of the past

The past is the past.

One of the challenges many people have to face in their lives is to move on past negative experiences they have had in their life.  I will use me now instead of they, I hope that in this post people may recognise or identify with the things I put onto this page.

I have had some negative experiences in the past some really distant and some not so distant, these have left various impacts on me. Some have seared their way into my mind and have showed this by invoking a set pattern of response when I encounter these things. Some words can do it for me, whatever is one of them I could explain to you how I feel or what I think when the word is said, but why, enough to say that it does, so how does one get past the word whatever? Backtracking a little I think a small explanation of whatever is necessary to illustrate the reaction. The urban dictionary defines whatever as being used in an argument to admit that you are wrong without admitting it so the argument is over. Merriam Webster says anything or everything, no matter what, or can be used to express surprise or disbelief, it can also mean no matter what.  This is not an exhaustive definition of the word, it does go to show that there are a variety of meanings and some of those have positive connotations, some didactic and some decidedly negative in tone.

Whatever for me is associated with a throwaway remark that denotes either a derisive attitude or a dismissive go away, why you may ask? Well the past, in the past that is my experience and it brings an almost conditioned classical Pavlovian response, that of defence, not hackles raised and growling but a shrinking of my soul and a fight or flight response, rapidly followed by a, what did I do, internal referencing, soul-searching, navel gazing, waste of time. Why a waste of time? Well simple really, because most of the time I actually don’t have a reference to put the word into, no locus.  So the reaction that I have is just the ghosts of the past beating their drums inside my head.  Well it’s not like that for me I hear. Well that’s good for you but here it is for me.

This reaction produces nothing worth having the question is how to get past that response so here are a few ideas,

1. When you say whatever, can you be a bit more precise, I need some clarification.
2. Did I say something wrong?
3. Is something the matter?
4. I need a bit more direction.

You get the general picture, it can be a loaded word but my response is already loaded, I am packing buck shot, finger on the trigger ready to shoot, (ok hyperbole but I am a poet).  The thing is the word most likely comes up in a conversation with someone significant in your life, it certainly does for me.  I could ask the person not to use the word but it is me who has the issue.  There are words that are more than words, derisive, nasty put-downs.  Whatever is unlikely to be one of those and my partner certainly does not use those words towards me, so why am I charged.   As I said it is past ghosts.

Some ghosts have to be exorcised from our lives, the memory is too painful, embarrassing, traumatic even.  I have a good memory, far to good in fact and I have carried a lot of hurts with me over many years.  I am aware of these and reflective enough to know when I am being triggered albeit sometimes not in time to prevent an instant response but enough to know when I need to reflect and move some things along.

My mother’s advice about saying nothing if you have nothing good to say is sage and has been given universally, some people mistake that as a weakness, ah there I have you now, nothing to say I must be right, the temptation is to rise to that but it is again not worth the effort, people like that are generally insecure and have a deep need to be right, I know, I used to be one.  I will leave this here for now bar the disclaimer that I am not perfect and still get caught in this behaviour, but less and less these days, try to think before you engage in a disagreement, try to decide is this worth having conflict over, I learnt as a child that I couldn’t be beaten into submission physically, and any verbal beatings to induce agreement are shallow, hollow victories that are just pale and worthless.

Love well and laugh loud, if you can’t sit on your tongue to stop yourself from talking then just breather through your nose

Paul

Carparks and Murder

The leading headlines in the paper this morning well not exactly, but Christ College boys were front page, complaining that the lack of parking at school was affecting their education, good luck with that boys,

Too Clever Too Quick, Daniel Patrick Livingstone, Another Perspective.

This post is a bit longer than normal and it may offend some people, hopefully it will allow us to think in depth about a very problematic issue that is current.

The news about Daniel Patrick Livingstone was surprising for me.  I was concerned about this man and his potential for further offending as were a large number of people.  When his profile is laid along alongside that of Tony Robertson who ran over and raped and killed Blessie Gotinco

Wēijī Crisis + Danger = Opportunity, right?

Recently I have been having a few struggles with issues in my life situation.  things that have taxed,confused and confounded me.  At times I have felt discombobulated.