Hello darlings, just a word from my throne. Seriously, I have been the king of grumpy this week. I have had to have a look at this in a little bit of depth. Now I acknowledge that I am of a certain age however last time I checked I wasn’t menopausal so the Evening Primrose capsules are probably not much help. I am taking Selenium, Vitamin C and complex, Magnesium capsules and St Johns Wort. I am not sure if it is helping but at least I am contributing to the economy.
I know some of the contributing factors to my grumpiness and take an educated guess at the others. I have had a ruptured disc in my back for 25 years, the surgeons say it is too small to operate on, unfortunately it impacts on me really badly at times. I have something else going on with my back pain as well at the moment so my pain levels have been pretty high with very little relief from medication, and the anti inflammatory drugs are making me queasy. It needs a review but I need to see myown Dr who has not been available when I am free and there is no point seeing someone else, the next Dr that offers me paracetamol as a pain solution is likely to have a free paracetamol enema if not administered then definitely offered to them.
I have only 8 weeks of work potentially left this year and as it is mainly casual I have to take it when it comes so taking it easy is not an option at the moment. I have been trying to avoid heavy work for sure so the heater is being used instead of fire wood. But that is only one of the contributors. I am frustrated I realise and am impatient with my work and living situation. There is nothing I can do about it really yet I am still champing at the bit. I can’t make any long term plans and that is driving me mad. The thought of being reliant on welfare again is driving me nuts.
The work situation is what it is and where I live is also difficult to change. Without work I have no incentive or need to change. I certainly don’t intend to interrupt my children’s education right now. The possibility of having to shift for work is real and looms, not that shifting in itself is an issue. I am well ready for a change. There will be challenges to shifting but non unsurmountable. I am over the town I live in. I guess that says as much about me as it does about the town I live in. The complication for me is that I want someone to share my life with.
That being said without any ability to say where I will be in the next year it just seems wrong to try and “find” someone. The truth is also that I am not in a space to open up my life with someone else and establish that space where intimacy, a meeting of heart and mind can occur, and yet I am conflicted by a yearning for that intimacy. I had it laid out for me in a dream the other night. Not that it was a revelatory dream but I dreamt of better times, it was a pleasant place for just a while, I was relatively pain free and dreamt in my warmth that I wasn’t alone in my bed. However when I awoke the reality hit and hit quite hard. My son sings a version of a song, “You are my Sunshine” have a listen at this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPVW2ed_9Lc. It wasn’t a pretty place and I did shed a few tears.
All that as it is I need some advice, I however need to take my own advice that I dish out at regular intervals, that is there is very little that you can ?o should do to influence the way people think about you when you are in or were in a relationship. Beyond the integrity of honesty and being true to yourself there is nothing else. This is not a way of shirking responsibility for the need to be responsible for your own actions but merely saying you can only influence the way that you think. Yo can not control someone else’s thinking.
So for me the reality is that I am marking time, waiting for a solution for my pain, emotional and physical. The danger is that in marking time I merely perpetuate it because sometimes there are no solutions, so I need to do what I can and concentrate on that which I can do. I can write and I can review. I can’t exercise as I should right now so I need to chase that because exercise is key for my health. If I can’t walk or cycle I need to swim or find a way to press through that. I need to be responsible for the way that I am responding to the pain. I need to ensure that I am being reasonable and not jaded and dwelling carelessly.