Reflections, (Internalising a complicated situation)!

This week has been one of challenge, in your face screaming at you kind of challenge and subtle internal challenge.  Sometimes I think the in your face is easy to deal with as you can just make a plan and walk away, however internalising or reflecting is a little more complicated.

The ramblings of a (good?) man!

I wrote in my post Caution, content may offend about my reluctance and discomfort about being at a local bar.  A friend of mine suggested we go to a couple of alternatives, I turned them down,  

1982 A long time ago

1982 they say,

a long time ago,

well you must be better now.

It gets easier with time,

Like white lilies these words,

Sibilant, slicing, searing words.

Caution, content may offend.

In a previous post I touched on the subject of askholes, you may know what I mean, these are people who come looking for advice and then do what they want to anyway. Well I am not often wrong but I will fess up when I am,

Delta Dawn and I

With a shrug of her shoulders she turned to take up her burden, her short squat body, and rounded shoulders reminded me of the stereo-typical Chinese labourers, carrying a yoke with huge payloads.   She looked around her as if to see if anyone was watching,

It comes in handy you know, sometimes small towns are great

As we sat on the chairs yesterday my friend had a chuckle. Some of you will recognise the character I am writing about, I told him I was going to write something about him, he was chuffed, all good I hope he said, I assured him it was. I’ll call him Jack.

I have known Jack for 35 years,

Ebola, it’s so cold.

I was listening to the radio yesterday, they had a piece from the death of Thomas Eric Duncan, a poor black man in Texas.  His nephew believes he died because he was treated differently than if he was white.  There is some significant evidence about that and indeed the hospital he was seen at has some history of not providing adequate treatment to poor non -insured patients, but that aside.  the injustice of that is what it is and no doubt the hospital will have to deal with it, and Thomas may have died regardless.  His death is just that another death, it makes the news because it was in America, the home of the free, the first world, first nation. Josephus weeks his nephew is angry, he is angry on a lot of grounds,  I share his anger but what touched my heart was this.

Thomas, died alone, in an isolated hospital room, all he could say to his nephew was that he was so cold.  Thomas was cold physically and emotionally.  Thomas had a family that loved him dearly and they are hurting.  It seems hard to believe that in such a populous country, in a busy hospital that someone can die alone.  Being alone is a fact of life for many people, being lonely is a different thing.  I know for some people they value living alone.  They value their independence, their lack of commitment, they can hang their clothes how they like, leave the toilet seat up or down, don’t have to consult with anyone about eating, drinking, spending, whatever, it doesn’t matter.  I guess at a certain level I can understand that.  I live in a rather busy household and there are times that I just want turn off the lights and hide.

I have a lot of people who depend on me in one way or another, I guess people see me as a safe place to talk, and I know how to listen, add to that my parental responsibilities and there is a whole lot of caring going on.  lately that has been overwhelming me, a large part of that is driven by the three hours I travel everyday and the fact that my back pain issues are almost intolerable at the moment.  I know that in my last blog I share how I have turned off  dating sites, and that is still how it is for me.  that itself is a complex issue with a simple answer, but like all things every choice has a cost.  My daughter shared how she felt so alone and that she saw how isolated I and she was when we attended church.  I certainly know that what she said is unfortunately true, I also know that some of that is because people have made judgments about our situation, I also know that some of that is because I am straightforward, honest and value integrity.  I am not a conservative and because of this I do not fit easily into what is essentially a white middle class church that has very conservative values among many of its members.

Most of their conservative values are masked and cloaked as “Christian ” values however they do not stand up to any biblical analysis.  They are actually using the church to mask their right wing, neo-liberal prejudices, and for many people not to do so would mean that they would have to engage with issues such as how they spend their money and inequality but enough of that, they don’t have to answer to me though I am willing to challenge them, and I am different to them but no better. Enough of that back to loneliness and death.  As i stand right now I have no particular fear of death at all.  I may change that point of view if I had a sense that my death was imminent through sickness or other means, i also go to the Dr  (most of the time) when I am sick and take my medicines. So I tend to try and avoid death right now, however I am afraid of somethings.

I am afraid of being a poor dad, a bad friend, of living a mediocre life and of losing my integrity.  I am also afraid of being lonely.  I am lonely at the moment, that much is true even in the midst of many people and a busy life one can be lonely.  I think above all else it is intimacy and all that comes with it and no I am not talking about sex, although can be a part of intimacy.  No lectures on hat in my blog today.  The things I miss most are very simple, I miss just being able to be, being able to unload my feelings without judgement or expectation, I miss the warmth and comfort of sharing a bed, just being able to hear another person breathing beside me at night is comforting, to know that if I really needed to talk I could, and I miss touch.

It was touch that Josephus Weeks the nephew of Thomas Duncan felt so bad about, all he could do was gaze through a window and watch his Uncle die, he could not hold his hand, just talk to him through a window or a wall.  It was that which i thought about, how much I miss touch. No easy answer to this at all, because of my focus on integrity.  No need to feel sorry for me at all.  Why write  at all you may wonder, well here is my point I guess.  I feel so frustrated at times when I talk to askholes  ( people who ask for advice and never take it) they travel from person to person to seek their advice till the finally find someone who will either just agree with them or who think like them.  many of these people are seeking something hat hey already have, but because of fear, pride, whatever it is they cannot engage with it.  But more about askholes another time.  More than anything else I wan o encourage you in our own relationships, engage, enjoy and improve them, you never know when things may change, don’t take them for granted.

Paul

Julia’s Story

Julia, my daughter wrote this blog, and published it on her blog spot and I share it here.  It is her perspective, her narrative.  I am blessed with fantastic children whom I love dearly.  We think we shield our children from the harsh things in life…..

Rejection http://faithlikesnow.blogspot.co.nz/

You want to know something? Every one has been rejected
and it hurts.
Two years ago my parents were fighting over me in court. Fighting is a harsh way to put it, but how else would I describe it? I ended up living with my Dad.Word around our family situation surely spread through out the church, and my Dad and I stopped going to church, because he was just really busy. What was stopping me from going though? I was afraid.
Afraid of the looks they might of given me, Afraid of going and having no one to talk too, afraid of being talked to. My own baptist church I grew up in, my community, my family. I do remember when I was at church, and whenever something had happened to someone else, if they were going through a disease, or in hospital, if their was a death the pastor would all ask us to close our eyes and pray. Every time we bowed our heads were we really bowing before Christ and asking for healing?I imagine my family would of been asked to be prayed for, That means a lot, but only till now I realized not one person from church had reached out to me, or my family. Not one person called and asked how I was, or if I was okay. Not even the pastor, who helps to lead us in our faith. It was like as if we had become strangers.
One morning me and dad had decided to go to church, then as we walked in we got our hello’s and how are you’s but after the service everyone had faded into their groups. Dad introduced himself in some conversations, but I stood their like a bus stop.  I had wondered what happened to the connections we had made with everybody.

And at that moment I felt rejection, Dad felt it as well, he looked at me and must of seen my sad eyes, then he exclaimed that we should get going. I still remember looking out the window well we were driving home, feeling so lost and so hurt and angry with God. I learn’t this year that it wasn’t God who rejected me, God had always stayed with me, it was a church and a church isn’t perfect because a church is filled with people and people aren’t perfect.
After all, they have been rejected too.

You want to know something amazing though? When you leave your church or when you leave a situation where you have felt like you have been ignored or not noticed you have to remember that at least God doesn’t think you’re imaginary.

Don’t rely on you’re church for the ” loaf of bread “, rely on God.

Dipping my toes

Recently I dipped my toes in the cyber world of online dating.  It was a brief paddle, trousers turned up to the ankles only. I sat for a few nights looking at familiar profiles, faces that have been there for a long time.

The right to choose? Life or Dignity?

I just read my news feed on Facebook and happened on a poignant and touching post.  In it one cancer sufferer writes to another, this young woman has chosen to take her own life before her brain cancer robs her of all dignity and her suffering becomes unbearable