Dipping my toes

Recently I dipped my toes in the cyber world of online dating.  It was a brief paddle, trousers turned up to the ankles only. I sat for a few nights looking at familiar profiles, faces that have been there for a long time. I wondered would I be one of those?  I thought about why I was doing this all over again.  Yes I want a partner in my life, someone to wake up to, someone whom I can give my heart to.  I am lonely, sounds strange I know when I live in a home with three teenagers, a boarder and I work in a school of around 1400 but there it is, I am lonely. I used to say that I was a poet when people asked me what I do.  I realise that I am a primary caregiver, a sole parent.  That is what constructs my life, in addition I have a number of people who are in some way or another dependent on me to a greater or lesser extent.  Something I cannot escape at the moment.  I have tried to limit it but I am pathetic at saying no, Catholic guilt? Good man syndrome, atoning for past sin? Take your pick, I really don’t mind all could be equally right or wrong. I showed my blog the other week to another writer, she went quiet, it was shaking the cross, https://kiwipaulspoetry.wordpress.com/2014/10/01/shaking-the-cross/. I wondered if I had offended her, I knew she is a Christian, she finally said wow, “that is very honest, brutal in fact”.  There it is , I am brutally honest, I tell myself the truth. Here I am fifty one years old, I will be unemployed in nine weeks time. I weigh 107 kgs  (fat, obese, overweight).  At the moment because of my back I cannot mow a lawn, even lifting a two litre bottle of milk produces and exacerbates the pain levels.  I am now taking anti epileptics in an attempt to deal with my pain levels.  Have you seen the side effect of those bad boys!  It is a list as long as your arm and then some besides. Apparently they are supposed to take my sex drive away, well that’s a relief, who needs that if you are single!  I wonder how I will know about that, perhaps you will see me at the country and western club nights! So there I was on the dating boards, fat, fifty. and technically unemployed, three children, two cats one dog and a bad back, can’t even mow the lawns.  Would I date the female version of that?

Sunday afternoon on a beautiful day all I want to do is lie in my bed and sleep.  Well apparently that is one of the side effects, oh and the headache?  Did I mention that?  So I sat there, at my computer, closed down my accounts, started marking some work and couldn’t concentrate, felt like crying  (apparently another side effect).  Well self talk can work, I guess , is my situation that bad, I know there are others way worse off than me. I know that i will have a sleep, mark my work, get ready for school, cook dinner fold the washing.  Do all the dad things I need to.  People will say I am a good man and I will want to vomit.  Why you say, because I know what I think, I think I am raising my own children myself, I am raising someone else’s child as well and I am supporting some others around me. I don’t do it because i enjoy it, I do it because it is right, inside of me I am very angry, and probably hurt as well.  the effort it takes to keep a smile on my face is immense at times, I know I will continue to keep going, just because i always have.  I will keep blogging and writing, trying to be honest, keeping it real and trying in amongst that to be thankful. I have been blessed this week by my children, some of the very small things they have done around my house have blessed me, I am thankful for that. So please don’t ell me I am a good man, don’t tell me the right person will come along, and please don’t feel sorry for me in any way, just engage with your life on an honest basis and try to live it to the full! Paul