Category Archives: Fear

The Buck Stops Here.

I wonder what kind of an upbringing they had?  Often the first response when a teenager or a naughty child comes on the radar, Continue reading

Stop,check your feet, make an appointment (signboards part 1)

So said the sign at the front door of the chemist we passed in Mount Maunganui today http://tinyurl.com/atthemount it was of course referring to a chiropody service they were offering.  I was in a playful mood and stopped my fiance and instructed her to check her feet, I di as well and Continue reading

Roast Busters, Police and Incompetence

Recently the Independent Police Complaints Authority (IPCA) released their report into the handling of the Roast Busters incident http://tinyurl.com/roastbusterscomplaint. To those of you who are unfamiliar with this, the synopsis is that there was a group of young men who were getting young women intoxicated and then committing sexual assaults on them. Continue reading

Testing times…

I have had some integrity challenges lately.  One of them was when I was in my local supermarket the other day, I was buying some sliced ham Continue reading

BMW vs Honda?

A strange question perhaps.  I am in the position of having recently bought another vehicle.  Retired the faithful Nissan to that great graveyard in the sky,possibly being made into nails as we speak!  I did have a bit of a hard time deciding what to buy but I have to say my ego was not involved. Continue reading

Fear Results in Emotional Illiteracy.

Following from my previous post I wish to share a personal story of part of my journey in life.  I was married at the age of 20.  As I look back now I realise that I was not only emotionally illiterate but that I was crippled as well.  Early in my marriage I realised that there were problems with our marriage.   I did not have the skills to articulate those problems furthermore I did not have the desire to deal with them.  I was an Island, my fortress was made of a number of things, spiritual pride, and an excellent ability to avoid questions and change the subject.  I did not allow any one into my inner-self in any manner or form.  I actively avoided any activity that encouraged me or enabled me to look at my behaviour in any manner or form.

I was actively involved in an evangelical church, a full on spirit filled bible believing, evangelising Christian man.  Well if God wanted me to change he would enable me.  I would pray for healing and then my mind would be renewed.  I would not attend any retreats; go for marriage guidance or personal counselling at all.  If someone got too close I would just close them out.  There were many other things that I would avoid.

My wife found this difficult to cope with (surprise) and then would seek solace with her friends.  This behaviour only increased my anxiety so I sought to control this by imposing times for her to be home by and questioning her about what she was saying to whom.  I became very paranoid about what she was reading, who she mixed with, and at the same time tried to present this image of a young lion going on for God.

I involved myself with good works, lead a cell group, preached at the local mental hospital, was elected as a deacon in the church, all the time however I was afraid that people would find out that my marriage had problems.   The f word.  Now the question arises why would I be afraid of people finding out that I had marriage issues.   The divorce rate at that time (1984) was quite high so it is only natural that there were a lot of other young couples who had marriage problems.  The thing was that the marriage problems were symptomatic of my life really.

I was a manager of a retail outlet, when I think of how I was I am still embarrassed, although I am open about it now, a didactic little Hitler, my way or the highway! In my personal relationships I had always done something better, bigger or faster than the other person.  I was lost, a little boy on the inside, broken, fragile and very scared.  I wanted to be a success in life but I had no way of translating that into action.  I was paralysed by fear.

Like any good serial I will stop here now and will carry on with my next blog the second part of this sorry story.  Till then just a word there is one thing that is stronger than fear and that is hope.  If you are paralyzed by fear in a terrible situation I just want to say there is hope, I cannot promise a miracle but I do know there are answers and there is always another way forward.

Paul