New Years Eve, a time for reflection on the past year. Sometimes it is tempting to put a value on everything and weigh it up and say good year, bad year. All of this is rather subjective and relative. Looking at my blog there is a constant theme, the posts that got the most attention were around weight-loss, one of the tags that got the most attention was hope. I have been thinking about these things both in a personal way, how that reflects on me and how that reflects on society, so first to weight loss.
2013 has been a bad year for me I have gained significant weight, 14 – 16 kgs (depending on the time of day)at the moment from my low point. I see this, on scales, in my clothes and in my photos. There are a number of contributing factors to this as I have pointed out in the past but they are only excuses, in the end it is in my control. I took ownership of this two weeks ago,(yes a real good time of the year). So I have set my goal to get to 80 kgs this year. A big goal but some big reasons. I have had a terrible back since 1998, the last year it has been atrocious. I am awaiting yet another MRI scan, no 4 for the year!! But this time the specialist says he believes it is my hip and it probably needs replacing. I am not very keen on that at all to say the least! So I will focus on weight-loss and fitness and see if that makes a difference.
As to hope well that is a mixed bag. The children have dome pretty well, as anyone will tell you as a parent one often worries for their children, but overall they are doing ok. I have had almost a full year of employment and have a contract for the next year. It is not perfect as I have nearly an hours travel each way but it is work and I am grateful for that. I have made some good friends but there is still a significant hole in my life. I am unsure that such a hole is fill-able in the foreseeable future. In the New Zealand Herald there is an article about one of the dating websites “findsomeone” http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10775973 they provide a list of the most searched for profiles with the 5 top characteristics of what men and woman are looking for.
Women want 1. Non-smoker 2. Casual drinker 3. No kids 4. NZ European 5. Christian
Men want 1. Non-smoker 2. No kids 3. Casual drinker 4. NZ European 5. Blonde hair.
Well even if I was an Adam and Steve man I would be out of luck. I have children and I look after them week in and week out. That is my life. Interesting that a lot of woman who do not want their partner to have children of their own say must like children! Causes me to scratch my head for sure. However such is life. I make 4 out of 5 on the women’s list! SO maybe hope is their? In the mean time I have plenty to keep me busy but it is the long term lonliness that attacks me and rasps at my soul like a blunt file, just taking a little bit off me at a time, enough to make me bleed, usually on the inside but not enough to kill me. The problem with constant wounding is the scar tissue and the desire to protect oneself from wounding.
I wrote a poem the other day for the first time in 12 months, it was a little flicker of recognition that the words are still there but the desire is not in my hear right now. I continue to blog and hope to do so on a more regular basis over the year and should I find a spare 5oo ( I know you can stop laughing now) I will publish my book.
2013 has not been a complete loss but it has had it’s challenges, left its scars and had a few moments of triumph.
I wont be setting any New Years resolutions as such as I already have them as goals, just the one to continue to live , laugh and love.
I pray that your New Year is a good one!