Hope deferred makes the heart sick but when the desire is fulfilled it is a tree of life. I have been thinking about my next blog, and remembered that I was going to continue to write on the theme of rejection, I read the phrase as above, about hope deferred, and it triggered my thinking again. Some days I wish I didn’t think so much but that’s another story.
I guess that I was cognisant of being different from a reasonably early age, my memories of school for the most are pretty negative. I was always on the outside, skinny dyspraxic and intelligent. A sure-fire recipe for being marked out for bullying from an early age. Dyspraxia is also known as clumsy child syndrome, often associated with low upper body strength, poor co-ordination and terrible hand writing.
That was me, no gloves for me as I could not get my fingers into them, mittens only, Shoe laces done up, hah fat chance! Buttons correct, even less of a show. I do remember thos things, I am not sure about being a messy eater then but today I can still be found feeding myself off my shirt at times. With food smeared around my mouth.
I must have been a challenge to my mum (God bless her soul). I remember her remonstrating once that our boarder ( a filthy paedophile) but that’s another story) who was blind could do up his buttons but I couldn’t. Now I have talked about being bullied before by my classmates and peers so today I am not going there. I was marked out by some teachers because of my terrible writing and my lack of co-ordination. I was terribly un-organised and lost things often, one of the other things which go with dyspraxia is ADHD and whilst I have no formal diagnosis I know I meet all of the DSMV criteria for having this developmental disorder.
I was small and unco so when teams were picked I would be last to be picked, lumped in with the geeky girls it was like, well there is Cronin and three girls left you can have them and I will have the remaining boy. To make it worse I was a better than average singer and was eloquent as well A recipe for social disaster. Now about here you are probably saying what the hey ho has this got to do with hope deferred. Well essentially hope deferred means being without hope.
There are some times where I come to a point in my life where there seems to be no hope for the things that I wish to have in my life. On reflection this is really around the issue of relationships and how I view them. What I need to remember is that there are people whom have their hope deferred by being in a relationship. Some of these people see the only way out of such a relationship is by death, either theirs or their partners. There has been the odd time where I have thought it would be better if I simply did not wake up in the morning. Not an active wish to be dead but certainly not wanting to be alive.
This is usually triggered for me by the emotional reserves being run down by extra occurrences. I have been struggling with a lot of pain in my back over the last year and recently was told that I may need a hip replacement, their is some basis for a belief that it is my hip giving me the severe pain levels. I have struggled with this as I am only 50 and frankly am not interested in having a hip replaced. In the end I may have no alternative but to get on with it but in the mean time I will see what I can do.
I got back on my bike the other day and did 10 kms (albeit on the flat) but still I felt good. I need to crank a whole lot more kms. At the height of it all I just wanted to shut the doors and turn out the lights. The pain levels have been horrendous at times leaving me thinking about that other area of deferred hope, a relationship. Well I haven’t given up yet on that. It has come close, I doubt my ability to love again, I chomp at my lack of free time. However I have found I still have hope.
So on this Christmas Eve where the essential message is hope I want to wish you all the very best for a new year and my hope is that you will find a tree of life with desires being fulfilled, not the carnal desires that we all have ,but the very groans of our hearts and souls.