Monthly Archives: November 2013

Cash Gas Grass or Arse. Nobody rides for free!

This narrative on a bumper sticker I have seen far too often that for me is indicative of one of the reasons why I believe “Roast Busting” is a society problem.After my blog on the roast busters I got asked a simple question, the gist was did I really believe it was. I am not sure exactly what part of my blog was considered to be incorrect however on reflection I am even more convinced of the role that society has in the Roast Busters saga. So what is my evidence. I remember a catchy little tune and the lyrics, I sung along the first few lines Follow me, everything is alright
I’ll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave, I can guarantee
You won’t find nobody else like me and then suddenly I heard I’m not worried ’bout the ring you wear
‘Cause as long as no one knows then nobody can care and I realised I was singing a song that celebrated adultery, Now I am not that conservative, not these days and live and let live but I can tell you what I think about adultery and frankly it is a destroyer, enough on that and perhaps another blog. So the lyrics that are inserted into popular songs are often striking at the fabric of society. There is that kind of narrative going on right through the music industry, the lyrics that are more explicit are easy to deal with, but it is the insidious ones that sneak up on you. It is the insidious views in society that I want to talk about, the deeply entrenched sexist beliefs that are reinforced by the continual sexual bombardment that dominates our music industry, which merely reflects society.
Now what I am talking about here is the boys club, the comments and attitudes that I hear every day reinforce to me the belief that it is our society that not only allows and even condones the behaviour exhibited by the West Auckland Rapists I refuse from here on in to call them by any other name as Rapists they are. Now when I talk about society I accept that I am part of the problem so I am not standing on a pedestal here. But here is where it starts, and men please tell me you have never heard this before, you come up against a strong woman, perhaps in a position of influence and power, perhaps espousing politics you don’t agree with, then it turns out that she doesn’t have a husband . Straight away the speculation starts, often about her sexuality, but often enough these men know the cure! What she needs is a good shag! That would sort her out. This kind of attitude is the more shall we say sanitised end of society. What I see in my work with young men is deeply entrenched attitudes where they want to “root” every girl they know. As soon as they have “rooted” the young woman she turns from being a hotty to a slut or a ho. Where do they get these attitudes from? They are so commonly held and almost universal. When I hear these attitudes voiced I confront them. I tell the young men, that they are hypocritical and ask them to explain why they think such a way? I tell my young men in my family the truth, and I have told my daughters the same, most young men when they have a girlfriend have sex on their mind, they are focused on the prize. Now I say most not all but the prevalence of such an attitude that is often reinforced and celebrated by both their peers and their male relatives and older role models.
So I guess for me that is just one of the reasons why I say that the West Auckland Rapists are a societal issue that is deeply entrenched and prevalent in our society. Please disabuse me of this position if you disagree.



Today is a day of celebration in our family.  My oldest sister Trish Gapes has a birthday today, not a significant on per se although given that our time on this earthly coil can be measured in a heartbeat at times. So perhaps 53 is indeed a significant birthday.  The other celebration is my aunt, Maureen Crosbie.  These are two special people in my life and today I want to let you know a little bit about why.

This morning I was talking with a friend about growing old disgracefully, sometimes this muse is misused in that people may think as we grow older we can burp, fart and not give a flying …. well you know the rest about what anyone thinks.  I am sure for me that growing old disgracefully is about not being constrained by the establishment. There is an expectation that we of a certain age are past our use by date.  We are discriminated against by employers, people tut should we perhaps have one more drink than that which is considered polite and heaven above don’t let our children know that we are still sexual creatures.  Sex after 50 I can see them now, hands over their ears saying la la la I can’t hear you.  Well hear this, I listened to a psychologist lecturing at University once, a guest lecturer in our paper.  He was in his eighties and he was talking about ageist prejudices and somehow sex came into it, and this young man about 19 said “so professor at what age do you lose interest in sex?”  The octogenarian prof said with a twinkle in his eye and a spring in his step, when I get there I will let you know and winked at the young mans girlfriend beside him.  The theatre erupted into laughter.

So getting old doesn’t mean we lose interest in sex but at the risk of being seen as prurient, I will move on.  Man buys a sports car or a Harley aha middle age crisis, I hear the howls, perhaps he has always wanted one and never had the money?   What I do know however is that as I get older I do think in terms of immediacy, and in full knowledge that my next breath could be my last! So it is with determination and passion that I move forward in my life. I have been seperated for over three years now and if you are a follower of my blog you can recall some of that journey if not here are a couple of links that might explain it a bit more I have met some wonderful women over that time, (and the odd down right scary one!). This is a difficult journey at times and it has brought me under the spotlight as a number of people have stood in judgement over my actions. Some of them family, close family, others in the church I used to go to. The theme has been consistent though and it is judgement!
There are some people in my life who have stood apart from that and have supported me unequivocally and without judgement and it is today that we celebrate the lives of two of these people and their husbands. Judgement is easy to rise to and very hard to resile from, it is hurtful and it damages relationships, above all it is a form of ignorance and at times abusive. We are great at it especially in the “church”. Well I want to thank Trevor and Maureen and Trish and Malcolm, four wonderful people who epitomise family.
Thanks a bunch you guys,
love you heaps,

Roast Busters a society problem?

Roast Busters, Rapists, Misogynists, whatever you may want to call them. Why are we surprised/ this behaviour has been going on for years, if not centuries, getting girls/ woman drunk and men raping them. The only difference in this case is that they boasted about it on the internet, not in the boys toilets or playgrounds or smoko rooms. Depending on who you read there is a varied amount of opinions about the cause and the cure. The police have been universally castigated. Some of it warranted, some not. The woman interviewer has been tried and convicted without any evidence, some commentators like Michele A’court castigate the Police and the interviewer in particular. A pity because whilst she makes some very good points about rape not being a sexual crime rather a hate crime, she does her position a dis service in her ill informed about the kinds of questions that need to be asked of a victim.
Be very sure reporting a crime can be very traumatic, when that crime is one that is against a person then it is even more traumatic, it necessitates the reliving of the crime. This is very unpleasant and traumatic. The question to be asked about this is why? Well the rule of law necessitates it. Without the rule of law we have anarchy. The law should be innocuous, that is not value laden but it is not. I have been through such ordeals, personally, and vicariously where I have had to deal with the aftermath of these crimes and have had these kinds of crimes revealed to me first hand. I no longer work within the Social Work area as it is just too traumatic and it is very hard to dehumanise the behaviours and the victims and at times this means that your hear is broken as well….
Whilst we hear the call for the perpetrators to be brought to justice and I agree, my effort is put in to prevention. At the heart of this we have a society that is inherently sick. We see constant sexualisation of children and woman. We have a permissive society that allows absolute filth that masquerades itself as “entertainment” . We have many parents in our society that condone and indeed facilitate under age sexual activity in their own homes allowing “live in boyfriends”
The liberals promote a society of freedom of choice then bemoan the consequences of that very same choice. Try contacting Child Youth and Family about underage sexual activity. They will want to know whether the sex is consensual! How can a child give consent to sexual intercourse, they have no idea of the long term consequences of their decisions. This permissiveness is pervasive through out our society. Our secondary schools are evidence of this, children tell their teachers to get fucked with impunity, they offer to “knock them out” should a teacher have the temerity to challenge them in any way, shape or form about their behaviour.
Dare utter a word in Maori and the comments such as speak English, why are you using that language for, resonate through the room. At the heart of this are homes where racism is alive and well. Girls are hos, slags and bitches. Boys brag about their conquests and girls discuss loudly what they would like so and so to do to them and what they have done with whom. There are no boundaries and there are few consequences. Society needs to acknowledge that it’s permissiveness has a price and decide whether it is one that is worth paying.
In the meantime I challenge sexism, racisms and every other form of ism in society as they are a pox and a blight. I prefer to wait to hear the outcome of the Police inquiry into the interviews before I pass judgement.
As an aside I cam across roastbusters months and months maybe years ago and reported it to facebook who let it stand, perhaps I could have done more? I could not find it the second time and presumed it was taken down. Obviously not, unless you are part of the solution then a part of the problem you are. I thought I was part of the solution. ….

Rest In Peace Robyn Alma Grace

I celebrated 3000 reads the other week.  I see it has hit 3100 now.  My blog seems to be developing a critical mass.  As I reflected on this I had some feed back.  It went “ Hi loved reading your blog in some ways I feel an intruder reading what is from the heart of a person I know but not well enough as I would like or more precisely I should.”  I was flattered and challenged at the same time.  Challenged in that I wanted to have a look to ensure that the hype was not hyperbole.  The feeling like an intruder bit intriqued me.  I though well I guess that is one of the reasons reality tv gets so many hits.  There is also a hint of voyeurism in that as well. I think at some level there is a bit of voyeurism in all of us.  Witness the behaviour of people at an accident scene.  The audiences of the news.  Watching the news is part voyeurism at times.
people talk about seeking authentic experiences.  There is however a long history of literary fraud .  How do people know I am not another one of those.  Well I guess it doesn’t really matter.  I write about things that are universal, I identify feelings and attitudes that people recognise and identify with.  That in itself is authentic.  I have a lot of things to write about at the moment so I guess that I will have to find my way of tapping through them all.

Top of the list for me is however the matter of the murder of my friend and foster daughter Robyn Alma Grace.  I blogged about this earlier,

Well this week her murderer was sentenced. David Adrian Holl was sentenced to life with 15 years non parole.  David was 20 years old and he was her son.  He murdered his mum as revenge.  Robyn had told him to leave as he was violent towards her.  David is a nutter, but not in New Zealand.  He was in the care of mental health authorities at various times, he was married to a woman whom he met whilst sectioned in a mental institution I am told.  David bludgeoned his Mother to death, but because he has a “personality disorder he is bad not mad”.  What an absolute crock of shit.  Our society has become so god damned permissive and accepting that we allow sick people like this to live freely and then we wring our hands and tut tut.  It is my belief that he should be standing in the dock with those who say he is not mad .

Robyn was let down more than once by the medical community.  She was fighting melanoma that was aggravated by mis-diagnosis.  Robyn had communicated her concerns on a number of occasions about her son.  Robyn’s problem was that she herself was not the wellest of woman.   Robyn was no saint, She had a quick temper, a quick tongue and really bad taste in men.  Robyn had though a universal disease that made her the same as everyone else.  She wanted to be loved.  I reconnected with Robyn about  18 months before she was murdered.  She called me dad and I loved her.

She tried hard but was limited by circumstances and past abuse.  Men took advantage of her.  Robyn’s daughter expresses her love for the man who killed her mother and at the same time expresses her love for her mum.  Her ex husband tells this young girl that there is nothing wrong with the way she is thinking, in doing so he legitimises Robyn’s murder.  Just like John Tamihere and Willie Jackson legitimise the Roast buster rapists.  I will blog about that in the next blog or two suffice to say that the roast busters are just a reflection of a permissive, non caring society.

My dear friend Robyn lost her life because our society is so afraid of trampling on the rights of people who have shown themselves to be incapable of living by universal rules.  This young man has no place in our society and should never be released.  He has no right to walk free again and in my opinion will remain threat to society.  It is not the first time that Io have come face to face with this kind of crime.  Mental health authorities, leaders and policy steers have blood on their hands and legislators have the same blood.  Pontius Pilates the lot of them, a pox on the liberals who value freedom of the individual over collective community safety, and a pox on those who support it by not calling it what it is, a moral failing that is unacceptable and has no place in a modern enlightened first world country.

May God rest your soul Robyn,

I was proud to have you call me Dad.  I am sorry that I was not able to protect you.  I will never forget you!