Testing times…

I have had some integrity challenges lately.  One of them was when I was in my local supermarket the other day, I was buying some sliced ham and I noticed that the Deli manager had keyed in the wrong price on the scale, he had inputted $14.00 per kg instead of $20.00.  I let him carry on thinking oh well he puts the label on it is his fault. I took the package and started to walk off, I felt bad and stopped and drew his attention to the mistake.  He thought he had over charged me and I explained that he had under charged.  It was possibly a dollar difference, he was thankful but insisted on leaving the price as it was and asked me why did I point it out as if I was strange, well I guess perhaps I am.

Let me explain, two weeks ago I lost $110.00 it dropped out of my pocket.  i returned within 10 minutes and it was gone, a quick check of the shop security camera showed a man picking it up, scanning around to see if he had been spotted, he had, the person who saw him made him share the money with him.  they knew what they were doing was wrong (the legal name is theft by finding).  It is most unlikely that they will return to that Service Station as they realised that the cameras had seen them, they pointed at the camera and left quickly.  If they return there they will have a sense of guilt and will be worried that hey may be identified whereas I went back to the delicatessen with an easy conscience.  Now you may have your own opinion on this but in the end it is  matter of having integrity in the small things as well as in the big. Now just in case you think I am a goody good there are times when I have failed similar tests, and I regret those.  I do know how it feels to be honest and to be dishonest.  Sometimes being honest hurts, especially in relationships and friendships, being honest can risk losing friends and sometimes being honest hurts other people.

It is this honesty that is problematic.  I have dipped my toes into the field of online dating again.  I am taking things very slowly and being very cautious, for me it is the only way I can do it.  iIam acutely aware of the pain that can occur when relationships do not work out and I do not want to hurt anyone, therein lies the conundrum.  To investigate whether there is a possibility of a relationship one has to be honest, this involves making oneself vulnerable. This cannot occur without risk; there can be no relationships without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without relationships, therefore risk is an inherent factor in life.  Risk comes in many forms and has many outcomes,I indulge in risk often.

Writing this blog is a risk, exposing my thoughts to other people I have no control over who reads my blog. , last year I was read in 115 countries and my posts were read over 8000 times, this month over 1200 views.  some of the content is highly personal, I have only regretted one post and I took that one down it was a self indulgent rant and it did not meet my standards of integrity and I only recently put that right.  Risk comes when I step up to protect others in public such as in the confrontation I had in K mart ( https://kiwipaulspoetry.wordpress.com/2014/11/02/sundayatkmart/). Risk comes whenever one is honest therefore dating is risky for me.  It is equally as risky for other people which is why some people prefer to remain single.

The question for many people is why not remain single? Can you not be happy and remain single?  Will having a woman in my life bring happiness?  A good question given my experience of relationships they were either very hurtful or ended with someone being hurt and such hurt is not easily healed.  Again it is a matter of integrity, I have a strong desire, nay need for intimacy and I am not just talking about sex.  I have some good friends for sure but let me assure you I have no desire to wake up next to some of them.  Some of the best times in my life have been when I have woken or gone to sleep with someone with whom I have had a intimate connection with, someone with whom I can share the things that I dare not utter in this forum.  So in answer to the question will having a woman in my life make me happy? Perhaps, I know that I do not do single very well but and there is always a but, if singledom is the price of integrity then even though that be a high priceI will need to pay it so that I can look at myself without regret.

So here’s to Life, Laughter and Love!

Ciao Paul


3 responses to “Testing times…

  1. Thank-you Paul for putting strange and beautiful concepts into words…and such important ones as well – singleness, intimacy, honesty, integrity….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. joannebyrd647

    I believe I have similar feelings to yours regarding dating. I just read and commented on your post of June 8th 2015. I enjoyed it immensely.

    I have been single for many years. I like the independence but miss having a person to really share the private moments of my life with. Someone to do fun things with too. I am thinking of trying a Christian online dating service. Have you ever tried one of those? I haven’t had much luck with some of the others.

    I wish you luck and look forward to your future posts. (BTW I am not coming on to you-just in case you thought I might be-lol).



    • Thanks Joanne for your kind words, I tried many different online services, but recently found love in a place that may surprise you, Tinder. so can I encourage you just to have an open heart and to be intentional… all the best, it can take a long ime but when it arrives,boom, like a thunder clap…

      Liked by 1 person

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