A strange question perhaps. I am in the position of having recently bought another vehicle. Retired the faithful Nissan to that great graveyard in the sky,possibly being made into nails as we speak! I did have a bit of a hard time deciding what to buy but I have to say my ego was not involved. It was about what I needed. I helped a friend look at vehicles. He asked me which out of the vehicles we were looking at would I buy. I said none of them. He was buying a vehicle based on prestige and freely admitted it was an extension of his ego. He would not be seen in a Toyota, Honda or something similar. He asked me where did I et my ego boost from? What a great question.
I could not answer him as I had nothing that came to my mind. I have thought about it for a wile, I freely admit that I have danced the ego fandango in the past, never with vehicles (never had the money or inclination), nor with jobs. I was involved in politics, at various levels, and the main driver was my desire to help however ego also came into it in a some ways I am sure. o be asked to address 500 plus people, appear on television or be interviewed on radio felt mildly good. When I examine that it boils down to being , well for a wordsmith I am a little bamboozled but I guess flattered that people were interested in what I had to say. This indeed boosted my ego, and gave me purpose. I think it is the purpose that drives me.
Writing blogs is somewhat egotistical I write about myself at times, give my opinion and I follow who reads it. I don’t know specifically who rads my blog unless they like, or comment, either on the blog or in person. I often wonder about who rads my thoughts, when I read some of te countries that my readers come from, From Algeria to Zambia, all over the world. I wonder what people think about my posts. I don’t get a lot of comments, my follower lists grow and people keep reading. I like this and keep writing.. I guess a certain amount of eg is good for us it drives me at times to keep writing, to keep my stats up, this in turn gives me discipline and practice. I read one of my earlier posts today, edited a couple of mistakes and thought about the post. I thought it was a good post and I liked what I had written and I wondered where did that come from?
I had written about intimacy https://kiwipaulspoetry.wordpress.com/2013/10/23/looking-for-intimacy-a-few-thoughts/, and reflected on the truth of it, and shed a few tears actually as I just acknowledged that which is missing from my life at the moment.. The problem with ego however is that it can become a mistress and a cruel one. ego in politics, the church, the home, anywhere can be a huge barrier because when people are wrong their ego’s can stop them from admitting their error. Of course that is driven a lot by fear, so therein lies a question is ego an outrider of fear, a comrade, sitting out there on point guard? Does ego result from fear? My instinct is to say yes it does, and say ouch at the same time. Is my struggle for normalcy driven by ego therefore by fear? I will have to think about that.
There are many things I don’t care about, I don’t care (generally about what people think about the clothes I wear, the car I drive, the phone I own) I don’t care what people think about my politics, my spirituality. I do care what people think about my integrity. Why is that? Is a good name worth anything at all? Is that a desire to be seen as a good man, something that essentially I rebel against, the notion of being a good man, when I know full well my own weaknesses and faults? Something to think about , I have plenty of time to do that at the moment, but that is another story.