A Dollar In My Pocket

I was talking with someone today, they had pair of vintage dungarees accidentally disposed of. I know the back story and even helped trying to find such a pair. I understood, empathised and advised how to put it into perspective. I have lost some things in my life that at the time were quite devastating. It reminded me of how small things can seem huge.

I was off shopping for Christmas presents when I was 12. I had my own money I had saved, $8.00. I had a job where I got paid $1;00 per day for delivering groceries on a behemoth of a bicycle. On this day I had bought all the presents I needed and had one dollar left. I felt like a rich man, I reached into my pocket and out it fluttered, quickly scooped up by the person behind me whom when I asked for it back said “finders keepers”. I was devastated, I even went to the Police who said sorry sonny, no proof, can’t help. That was it. In the scheme of things it didn’t matter as I had bought everyone a present, the last $1.00 was going to possibly buy me an ice cream soda. Now why would I remember this 50 years later, even now as I think about it I remembered an earlier loss of a coping saw, brand new and left on a bus. Another incident occurred the week of my first wedding (I know married more than once the loss in that is a whole nother story). I was in town to pick up the suits. I got to the shop and reached into my pocket for the $60:00 and it was gone, I rushed off to backtrack my steps but came back empty-handed, the proprietor said I see you have a cheque book sir, I said yeah but not the money in it to pay for the suits, he said post date it for two weeks and then we will worry about it then. Although I was relieved and thankful the fact that it has stuck in my memory indicates to me that it was a significant blow.

I have yet to work out why some of my most embarrassing, hurtful and frustrating moments seem to be indelibly scorched into my memory. Sure there are moments of triumph and wonder that still reside there. Perhaps I will do some reading about it as I think it is an important factor and can bog us down or leave us stuck when what is essentially a moment in time can impact us in a big way yet the thing is really trivial. I know it didn’t seem trivial then and everything needs perspective however the biggest perspective is that we come into this world with nothing and we take with us out of this world nothing material.

I have a judeo-christian set of beliefs about this life however my beliefs about the next are pan, that is they will pan out in the end. In many ways it is not about what we lose in this life it is about what we leave behind. What is our legacy? What memories do we leave behind for others? What impact on others do we leave behind? It is those things that really matter. I am not talking about money here, I am talking about things that help lives change. It is those moments that cancel out feelings of loss. Looking back and seeing the impact on others, (sometimes we will never see that impact).

Psychologist Julius Segal, in looking at what helps children overcome adversity, wrote that “one factor turns out to be the presence in their lives of a charismatic adult — a person from whom they gather strength. And in a surprising number of cases, that person turns out to be a teacher”. Being an influence that overcomes the adversity of others is not limited to teaching we must remember that if we mourn the loss of $1:00 how much more we must celebrate the people in our lives who bring the gift of overcoming adversity. In doing so and realising this we need to be intentional in doing this in any way we can, whether it be small or large actions. We never know when the smallest act can make a difference.

With love

Paul

Warning this blog is about Cancer, it may be hurtful to some people. Stupid Cancer

If you are on facebook then I am sure you would have recieved  messages along the line of Stupid Cancer with accompanying didactic demand to repost the the message if you care.  A heads up people, I dont repost very much let alone stuff like that.  

Loss and grief, no advice here just my perspective, sorry about the length…

Losing a loved one is something that comes to us all, for some it happens early in our lives, for others later.  Some losses are felt keener than others, my mother died at an early age, my father at 80, both losses for me, my mum’s was felt more acutely.  The loss of my brother was devastating.  Loss comes not just through death,

Stuff happens

Some things just are.

Every question has an answer…., unfortunately not.  This week we are once again confronted with tragedy on a gross scale.  The first question on many peoples minds is either why or who.  Now should you have time to spare to read 50,000 words then I could probably produce a reasoned and extensive explanation of both those things, I could ramble on about alienation, relative morality, imperialism ad infinitum and ad nauseam I expect. This might help to explain acts of terror like that which has just happened in Boston. I could produce a thesis about systemic issues in Health and Safety failures that might provide some explanation about what happened in Waco Texas Christchurch Earth Quake, and Cave Creek. 

It is natural for people to want to know why and who.  They want someone to blame, a place to hang anger, hatred, and confusion.  Effectively a place to park many of the overwhelming emotions that flow over at a time like  that.  Witness the people who gathered at the court house when it was rumoured that a suspect had been taken into custody, voyeurism perhaps can explain some of that, a need to actually do something to avoid being paralysed with grief perhaps?  It really doesn’t matter

Underneath this is an unleashing and outpouring of grief and sympathy for the victims of such tragedy both the living and the dead. Keeping in minds concepts such as six degrees of separation and taking into account how we experience events through the internet, live feed and other high speed global village  kind of information things have changed.  Images that may have taken well over a year a hundred years ago are now on our screens in real time.  Technology has meant that many of these kinds of events are captured live.  Who can forget the pictures of people jumping from the twin towers, the Boston bombing captured live?  Such imagery impacts in a way that highly personalises the event that has just happened.  I think it also increases our personal trauma as well.  We then need to make sense of it.

I will talk about personal reactions in my next blog but right now I want to share one of my important life lessons, and that is to explore about how we react to people in trauma.  I have shared before how I seem hard wired to care and when someone in my life is experiencing grief trauma pain, my natural inclination is to want to fix it, make it better but the horrible naked truth is that some things just are and they are not fixable.  I have learnt through personal experience of grief and loss and by applying those lessons to other situations that I come across I think I have something that is worth saying about this.

I remember when my Brother took his life, a well meaning man told me he was going to hug me, I said no and he said I know what you need, I was at a bible study and he approached me, I told him that if he touched me I would knock his ffffing block off, he turned to the  pastor and said “did you hear that? “ The pastor said “yes I did”.  “Well what are you going to do,” said the would be hugger?  The pastor replied well I will hold you while he knocks your block off then perhaps a hug might help you feel better.  One of my poems encapsulates this feeling really well I think. http://softlyfallingpoetry.wordpress.com/2012/12/17/i-saw-death/ People want to say something to make themselves feel better as well as the person who is hurting,  On the outside the person in receipt of these words often has to  grit their teeth and smile as platitudes and words of condolence and advice are dished out.  On the inside my experience is that you want people just to shut up.

What they want is for you to say there are no words, can I hug you, I love you, call me any time you need to talk.  Don’t tell me that it will get better, don’t tell me how to feel or how not to  feel, don’t tell me you know how I feel, cry with me instead tell me it is devastating and you don’t know what to say or do and for the love of humanity don’t remind me of the good things in my life. All of those things are truisms and perhaps at some stage it may be appropriate to share… but let your first response be compassion, I know it works for me and the feedback that I have had from people who I have done this for is positive.  Remember thatm well meaning words of advice given when the trauma, grief, or pain is acute are often as poisonous and hurtful as the trauma itself.

One last word of advice, don’t be surprised when if you ask someone how are you they say not that great. Remember that somethings just are and not every thing can be healed or fixed in this world.

Paul