Tag Archives: sex

False Gods and Tin Men and The Bachelor

Who do we put our trust in?  Who is it in your life that you trust before all others with a blind unblinking, unwavering trust?  I learnt the hard way when I was young, people I had an unshakable trust in showed that they were mortal.   Continue reading


The poems have gone,

I sat in my bed the other night and tried to put together some words, ones that don’t go to the edge of a page, a poem to be precise.   It should be a relatively easy task as my mind and heart is full of my mother, plenty of adjectives to describe her and her life but the words were gone, Continue reading


Today is a day of celebration in our family.  My oldest sister Trish Gapes has a birthday today, not a significant on per se although given that our time on this earthly coil can be measured in a heartbeat at times. So perhaps 53 is indeed a significant birthday.  The other celebration is my aunt, Maureen Crosbie.  These are two special people in my life and today I want to let you know a little bit about why.

This morning I was talking with a friend about growing old disgracefully, sometimes this muse is misused in that people may think as we grow older we can burp, fart and not give a flying …. well you know the rest about what anyone thinks.  I am sure for me that growing old disgracefully is about not being constrained by the establishment. There is an expectation that we of a certain age are past our use by date.  We are discriminated against by employers, people tut should we perhaps have one more drink than that which is considered polite and heaven above don’t let our children know that we are still sexual creatures.  Sex after 50 I can see them now, hands over their ears saying la la la I can’t hear you.  Well hear this, I listened to a psychologist lecturing at University once, a guest lecturer in our paper.  He was in his eighties and he was talking about ageist prejudices and somehow sex came into it, and this young man about 19 said “so professor at what age do you lose interest in sex?”  The octogenarian prof said with a twinkle in his eye and a spring in his step, when I get there I will let you know and winked at the young mans girlfriend beside him.  The theatre erupted into laughter.

So getting old doesn’t mean we lose interest in sex but at the risk of being seen as prurient, I will move on.  Man buys a sports car or a Harley aha middle age crisis, I hear the howls, perhaps he has always wanted one and never had the money?   What I do know however is that as I get older I do think in terms of immediacy, and in full knowledge that my next breath could be my last! So it is with determination and passion that I move forward in my life. I have been seperated for over three years now and if you are a follower of my blog you can recall some of that journey if not here are a couple of links that might explain it a bit more https://kiwipaulspoetry.wordpress.com/2012/09/10/fear-results-in-emotional-illiteracy/. I have met some wonderful women over that time, (and the odd down right scary one!). This is a difficult journey at times and it has brought me under the spotlight as a number of people have stood in judgement over my actions. Some of them family, close family, others in the church I used to go to. The theme has been consistent though and it is judgement!
There are some people in my life who have stood apart from that and have supported me unequivocally and without judgement and it is today that we celebrate the lives of two of these people and their husbands. Judgement is easy to rise to and very hard to resile from, it is hurtful and it damages relationships, above all it is a form of ignorance and at times abusive. We are great at it especially in the “church”. Well I want to thank Trevor and Maureen and Trish and Malcolm, four wonderful people who epitomise family.
Thanks a bunch you guys,
love you heaps,

Something in my life I don’t want to live without

I don’t want to live in a world without touch.  I came to this conclusion after the last month or so.   I have been reflecting on this issue for quite a while as I struggled around issues of intimacy dating etc.   The five love languages on of the languages is touch, http://www.5lovelanguages.com/2009/03/speaking-love-through-physical-touch/ I have certainly identified touch as one of my languages.  Now touch can be viewed in a number of ways but at the heart of it is intimacy.  Touch is often classified as a sexual thing and unfortunately over time we have seen a number of issues arising around touch. Indeed touch in some circumstances has become taboo.  I heard an extreme view voiced by a student recently they said that a presenter on sexuality had said that “any uninvited touch was sexual abuse”.  The student said that was absurd and I agreed with them, he said shaking hands is touch.   He is correct for sure. 

Recently I had the privilege of being a apart of a school holiday camp programme. There were a lot of children there who did not have a significant male in their life, boys and girls.  A number of these children initiated touch, (always in public) from sitting real close at tables to running up arms open looking for a hug and a couple wanting to walk with me holding my hand.  This does not present a  conundrum to me at all.  It is not secret or inappropriate.

Some might say that we see examples of touch in a lot of sports that are played, Rugby has to be a classic example of that for sure.   A narrative that is worth exploiting sometime in the future perhaps.  Well I don’t play Rugby so where do I get my touch from. It is something that I have been considering , more so  in the last week as I work  through a couple of issues.

In acknowledging that I like giving touch I understand that I love receiving it as well.   I remember watching one episode of Frasier, Niles talked about how you can tell about the level of sexual frustration someone is experiencing by  how often they head to get their nails done.  “Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. When you see a man who’s well-groomed, you can bet he’s not getting any.” http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0582445/quotes This may seem a little strange but I remember an incident where I was given a manicure, I  have paid for manicures and indeed every 10 weeks or so  I  get a pedicure as a it helps prevent an ingrown toenail problem from re-emerging and b I enjoy the experience.   In this instance however it was done for me as a gift and it for me ranked as one of the most intimate and profound experiences that I have had. I include this to show that not all intimate touch has to be or indeed is sexual, and that touch plays an important role in any relationship.

I have heard many people complain about their relationships, one of the most frequent complaints I have heard is from women and invariably they have expressed the same or similar complaints which h goes like this. He never touchs me unless he wants sex.  Now some will talk  about the important of touch  in foreplay but frankly foreplay starts when you get out of bed and might conclude some days, or weeks later in the physical act of intercourse and in  some cases it takes the place of that for whatever reason. So back to me and my reflections.

I have often pondered on living a life of singlehood for whatever reason.  I have heard  people express numbers of reasons why they prefer singlehood, often in my opinion grounded in fear of  intimacy, emotions, hurt, commitment. Sometimes the driver is narcissism.  Now it would be unfair to lump every one who determines to remain single in this group and in the end it is our absolute right to determine our relationship status.   The world is full of conformists and I have no right to place expectations on others or to judge or scorn them.  Similarly I do not want to be judged or scorned.

This comes from people who see others that seek to be in relationship as week or worse still those religious who use the term let Jesus or God be all you need in life.  This is either religious bigotry at its worse or just plain ignorance, but before I wander off again I bring it back to touch for me it is quite simple, sex I can live without (I was married for 26 years so well used to that) but touch, and not day to day but a caress, someone resting their head on my chest as we lie together, holding hands as we pray or walk. Running my hands through a lovers hair, no without that in my life I will shrivel and die internally. They say time heals all things, I am not so sure  about that.  Yes touch is important to me but integrity is as well and I won’t sell my soul for touch, and touch that is bought is only temporal, a massage, manicure hair cut, all enjoyable but brief temporal relief that soon blows away like the dust….

Arohanui to all of you, take care, celebrate life and love whilst you still have breath.

Fifty Shades of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey

An interesting title, I was having a conversation tonight with some one about the very same book.  I have read a little of the book and found its literary value to be rather limited.  Frankly the craft that went into writing this is somewhat limited, however before the howls of protest erupt I have (as usual ) something to say.

Fifty shades of grey has merit for one particular reason that is it has got people talking, on this occasion it is about sex.  There is a lot of professional jealousy about this book and certainly the kinds of numbers that it is generating that will attract attention but it is the talking that should garner the attention.  Although there is a huge increase in openness in society with many things that used to be sacrosanct considered open slather there seems to be from where I sit a paucity of real communication, honest to goodness sit down and talk about it.  Especially within relationships.

One of the most common claims I here is that he / she never talks to me or does not communicate.   When it comes to sex I think we are certainly reticent about discussing the matter certainly with our partners and most likely it is men who are the most reticent.  I have heard a number of Woman say I wish my husband/ partner would read this book.   I don’t think there are necessarily a lot of Woman who secretly desire their partner to invest in a riding crop and hand cuffs, perhaps there are but it really doesn’t matter, it would seem that there is considerable dissatisfaction in many bedrooms around the world.

Now I make no claim to expertise around these matters apart from what I know about communication.  You see it is real intimacy in action when this kind of communication can occur where two people can talk openly and freely about such a personal subject.   To talk about sex within a relationship (and I really mean an ongoing discussion) is really risky for many people however if one can talk about these issues which are so highly sensitive then it really bodes well for those other really important discussions about life and love.  Now I am not going to bang on about sex, I shall crack the whip and make my points.

The conversations that people are having about Fifty Shades of Grey are the kinds of conversations we need to be having about a lot of things, as the book has made mainstream something considered very alternative imagine the possibilities if we could main stream conversations about violence, poverty, abuse, obesity and mental illness.  We have seen some of those conversations like child poverty begin to emerge but putting milk into schools is not the answer.  It is a short term fix for kids right now which is great but a whole other conversation needs to be had.

The Million for a Million campaign is another one of those subjects that needs to become a household conversation.  I have written before how the difficulty of such a campaign is to gain real traction in the suburbs where people just want to make enough to pay the rent and to fill bellies.  We are in the middle of an obesity epidemic and no one wants to talk about it.   What is the answer?  Fifty shades of fat?  I think there are some sacred cows that need to be slain in order for obesity to be taken seriously.  I have talked about some of these things before so sorry if it sounds boring but here it is. I have yet to met an obese person who is really happy with their obesity.  They will terll you they are use words like I am happy with me and will brook no discussion on the subject. Hah is all I say to that.

Just a straw man fallacy. l if I am happy as a fat person then you have no right to suggest that I may be unhealthy and that perhaps underneath that existence I may be unhappy.  I know this because I have lived it and still do.  I have gone backwards over the last 4 months, I can blame all sorts of things but the simple truth is I took my eye off the ball and forgot the golden rule, calories in versus calories out.  The difference is that I tell myself and others the truth and am back on the exercise track.  Am I happy to see those kilos again. No way, not interested, will I ignore it nope I will confront it, publically in a forum like this as well.  You may ask why and I will tell you this.

Such a conversation normalises struggle and tells the truth about obesity, most clinically obsese people I have met are not happy!  End of story, I wasn’t and I consider my self pretty normal ( many may argue otherwise) .  As we enter into a new year I want to go back briefly over my blogs and revisit a few issues and hopefully will start some conversations that will lead to change for people.

Live, laugh and love.