Waiting for God (or dicing with death)

I have had the privilege last week of spending time with a group of men.  We were all in the Coronary Care Unit of our local hospital. We were all waiting for God in one way or another. Some of us have been closer than others.  When I first arrived, there were 4 of us who are 54.  We had discussions ranging from sex, wives, children, God, religion and the meaning of life.  Our days were brightened by some of the visitors, often punctuated by laughter and being men a healthy dose of farting.  We even talked about death.

We were a little Island in a sea of activity, a tight bunch. I am home now, a little journey in front of me, still a bit of a creaking door with a lot of work to do.  I am still a little bit in shock really, when you hear the words heart failure, clots, strokes and they are talking about you one tends to sit on their arse quite hard and contemplate the world. The thing that struck me was that though we were all quite different we all shared the same concerns.

Those of you who know me know that I have had health challenges and still face a few more, these are in the end are in my own hands to a degree.  Physical challenges are just that, in the end he biggest challenge is that which is in the mind.  I haven’t written very much (if at all) for a while, I did some academic work and was rewarded for that but writing from my heart and soul had all but disappeared.

Essentially, I had fallen into a rabbit hole, and kept falling as I struggled to contain and control a situation that had only one answer and I avoided it.  I have often talked about change from unhealthy or broken circumstances only occurs when the pain of living in that life becomes more than the pain of change.  In my group of friends at hospital, I could see some who were going to change and others whose battles were going to continue.

My battle will continue as I change, right now my heart is in Atrial Fibrillation, essentially short circuited and not pumping properly.  The medicine I am taking to slow my pulse down and try to control the irregularities is kicking my butt seriously in a physical sense, is kind of like being in slow motion and wearing a suit of concrete.  The beauty is that it won’t be permanent however it will be a few weeks.  I also now understand why I was so gosh darned tired and struggling.

But enough from me.  To my friends in hospital I pray you will find health and above all else peace. To the rest of you, just remember to make every day count if you can, and when you know something is broken, don’t leave it till it is a train wreck, change can occur.






One response to “Waiting for God (or dicing with death)

  1. Another really good blog from you Paul, well done and thanks for sharing. I hope you are on the mend, and surely you will be cycling in the beautiful Karangahake Gorge (which I miss so much since we left New Zealand) in the very near future! (-: Zig


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