You have seen them

that is if you use face book, those little e cards saying things like taking your ex back is like putting a poo back where it came from, or that moment when you see your ex and know that they have downgraded, They seem funny and perhaps innocuous but I am not so sure,  often they are intended to convey some words of wisdom, like moving on or facing your fears or other worthy kinds of notions but are they.

I may be over sensitive or even mis-informed but I cannot help wonder if those little ecards are messages, no not the kind you have to wear a foil headband to block (looks around for his) but a subtle dig at someone you know (or used to know) something that ou may think but perhaps lack the courage to say outright.  I make it a point not to like those kinds of posts, I just think they say more about the poster than the postee.  I guess that is easy for an articulate man of letters to say.  I can usually find the words I need and most often will speak them out loud if not in a private message or an email to someone.  Mostly you will not die wondering what I am thinking, and if you ever do wonder it is a pretty easy question to ask me  ( I usually ask the questioner are you sure you want to ear the answer to that). I try not to ask questions that may engender an answer I do not want to hear.

I have learnt over the last few years that it is futile to try and change some ones mind,especially when it comes to relationships. After many years of ultimatums I determined that as far as I possibly can I would never issue an ultimatum.  I think perhaps I have got that wrong somewhere, that there can be conversations about the hard subjects the things that are really problematic. The reason I have steered away from outright demands is that people may change something if the consequences are dire enough but this is an immediate  obvious place for a resentment or wound to occur.  My experience around change is well documented in my blogs, you can follow some links at the end of this if you want to read them, but essentially it is about fear.  Being afraid of confronting issues because that may a necessitate  change or b raise an ugly issue that you just don’t want to deal with.

Some people cope with by saying things like they just want to focus on the positive, they want to live in the present , that the past is the past and it cannot be changed.  I agree that the past is the past, however the narrative that the past constructs around our lives can be changed.  It is often said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  I wonder about some people who seem to perpetuate mistakes in their lives either by the kind of people they have in their lives, perhaps addictive behaviour or relationship issues.  Rather than confront the issues by having a look at themselves they just end up moving on and doing it all over again.

When I blog it is usually about something that I have thought about and wrestled with in my mind.  In this case it is certainly true, so whilst I find many of those little sayings trite and sometimes just bloody rude I need to consider am I being over sensitive.  One way of me dealing with that I guess is by being direct and asking the question, was that post about me or was it directed at me?  A simple reality check, a little dangerous because one needs to be able to hear an answer that may be not what you would like to hear.  I have been known to comment on posts that are outrageous, I generally use private messages (much less embarrassing if you get it wrong and far more respectful.  So if you get a message from me saying hey was that post about me, don’t be surprised and feel free to be truthful.

In the meantime remember that facebook is a public forum, that which we post can go viral and have unintended consequences, if you have something that is burning you up why not say it directly, if you know that they won’t listen write it down and burn it, probably more effective than posting on facebook, if someone is an arsehole then their contacts are likely to know it or find out soon enough.  They don’t need you to tell them.

Peace and love people,  (ps I know its not all about me)


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