I opened the letter read the contents and trembled with rage as I read the words, here printed on paper was a denial, not an I didn’t do it, but a denouncement, not a physical ice pick to the head but an emotional one. I was surprised but I should not have been. As I worked through the process of wanting to defend myself, making him pay and be accountable I realised what was behind the instincts. Taking away the hurt from being shat on by someone whom I journeyed, supported and encouraged over many years, I wondered what was at the heart of the matter and what I should do about it. The nub of the matter was that I wanted a restoration of relationship. This said more about me than it did him.
Relationship is about trust, above all else, it is about keeping your word and owning your issues and mistakes. These things I know about. The keeping my word part I learnt the value of many years ago, the owning of my issues and mistakes is a vital part of my life that I have learnt over the last 10 years. I have learnt that the cost of not doing so can be a relationship, it can be a huge personal toll as one wrestles with one’s conscience. The default position for most people around stuff ups is denial and blame. Either denying that they ever did it or blaming the other person or someone else. the root of that is fear, and I have blogged at length about fear.
Fear works two ways in these situations, for me fear of a lost relationship has often driven me to ignore the facts as they stand, ignore insults, breaches of trust and integrity to keep the relationship. In doing so the end result has left me standing as a tree that has been completely debarked and withering away with no protection. Fear of having to confront my own humanity has also driven my actions at times. I made one futile attempt to re-establish that relationship, I should have known better, the result was just an abject, sad denial, lacking substance and integrity. I knew better really. It has been over two years since I spoke to that person, I don’t hate them, nor even dislike them. They are welcome at my door and should they be in a fix, have an emergency then most likely I would help them out.
I will do all of the above because that is what is right and just. I will keep my word, keep their confidences, the secrets in their life they shared. I will probably wonder about them, what they are up to and maybe even miss their company on occasion. I will not however open myself to them again unless. It is the unless that is the problem here. You see I could class the above situation as broken however I see it as being finished. I have learnt that somethings are just finished, I am not sure where I stand on that trite saying a reason or a season, I think it can be used as an excuse for poor behaviour (personal experience, I own that).
Saying something is finished is so final, it doesn’t allow for redemption, renewal, restoration. It is very hard for me to say something is finished as I lived a life full of hope.however there are somethings that are finished in my life,with my limited vision I can never see them being restored ever again. that says more about me than anyone else. It says that I have either given up or the price that must be paid for the relationship to continue is beyond what I have or what I wish to spend. It speaks of my belief that the other persons in the relationships do not see the value in my friendship, that in their inability to take responsibility for their actions they will blame me. Beyond what I can deal with and I don’t have the energy or the will to confront it or the need.
You see just as I know when I am wrong, I believe that these people know the heart of the matter, the barriers to change are too big and I know the best predictor of the future is the past. Trust that I have given really quickly in the past now eludes me and that I despair and mourn for. I am brutally honest in my blogs, hard on myself but I have to censor myself at times, their is still another level to me that I can’t share here for a number of reasons but mainly about who reads my blog. More on the later.