I recently wrote about prison walls not needing to be made of stone to keep someone incarcerated. I lived a life in incarceration for many many years, largely based on some fictional representation of myself that I established as a narrative in my life. I have blogged at length about the reasons for that, largely fear driven and I realise habitual. It displays itself in an unwillingness or inability to take responsibility for anything in your (my) life that is in any way a negative or could be seen as a negative by other people. The kinds of things that I am talking about are varied.
I am trying to work with someone at the moment whose response as soon as they perceive themselves to be in potential trouble is to lie, even when they are probably aware (or should be ) that I actually know the truth. If I ask a question of someone about a problem, often I know the answer anyway. I could just go ahead and say why did you do this but I am taking a bigger picture and trying to establish a healthy attitude towards responsibility. Lies rilke me up, I understand lies and the heart of them being fear, been there done that.
Prison walls can also be made by people whom are unable to take responsibility or admit to emotional issues, these walls reflect themselves with people who put on a brave and cheery face at all times and will not admit to having fear or hurt or other emotions, in case other people see them as weak, whilst most often these people are men (ok Women I hear the applause, the amens and the acclamations of my astonishing if not somewhat outlandish proposition), however not solely. Now we know about gender stereotypes and cultural mores that drive such behaviour, but they are only part of the picture.
So you say nothing new in any of that, and I have been told more than once that I wear my heart on my sleeve however. I remain committed to exposing myself through the medium of writing. Some of the things are pretty raw and perhaps surprising to some people, and if you ask me how I am I may well tell you how it is with my life, and if I ask you how you are please don’t tell me you are fine if you are not.
I am sometimes limited as to what I say when I blog, for a number of reasons. I try not to identify others when I write although some individuals may recognise him or her self. I hope that I don’t use my blog as a substitute for a personal conversation with people. I am aware that my children read my blog, and that is at time sobering and I do censor my blogs sometimes. I wonder about an R18 version at times however, I think that what I am doing is important an I try to model a way of life that is empowering and honest, and it is also therapeutic for me at times.
Honesty is an antidote for vanity, stubbornness and confusion. Sometimes writing my thoughts out here provides me with a clarity that I may not arrive at otherwise, it keeps me accountable and humble. I hope that it empowers others. I know that sometimes that which I write is as raw for others as it is for myself, I try not to cause pain deliberately,it may be however fruitless in that these issues that are real in my life are real in some of my readers.
Tonight I am off to the College Ball, an interesting time for me as I watch all the beauties and their beaus, a time of reflection, celebration and to be honest tedium at times, however mostly a time of passion for life and living, but not for everyone! I support it for the passion that it enables in students, and the celebration of life.
Enjoy your evening, have a ball,