It is broken forever.

Some things just cannot be fixed, there is an adage that says time heals all, if it were only so.  A friend of mine shared some news re a crisis in his family.  A close relative is really unwell and likely to pass away really soon.  In their early 50’s just way too young.   Another friend of mine has a cousin similar age and battling brain cancer.  Neither of these things are likely to be fixed.  Many of us have words that we would want to share but whilst well meaning than can often have the opposite effect.  I have passed  my care on to the friend but in a very simple way that says I care, but no platitudes, no everything will be alright because IT WONT BE. The simple truth is that there are many things that occur in life to people that cannot be fixed, made better, healed, cured! I was reminded of this when I marked the anniversary of my brothers death, I remember a well meaning man coming up to me and attempting to give me a hug.  I didn’t want to bbe touched by him (or anyone else actually) and as he advanced towards me arms wide open saying you need a hug I said no, he continued to  advance towards me and said it will make you feel better. I said to him, touch me and I  will hit you!  Go away, he turned to a pastor who  was there and said to him what are you going to do about that, he said hold you while he hits you.  One of the few times he said anything spectacular.  This well meaning person flounced off as if he was the wounded one. There are times where you wish for words back  that in haste you have uttered, perhaps a missed opportunity to utter words that really mattered to you and then it is too late.  We reflect on this, what if, I should have, I wonder?  However the finality of some things are just that and not just death.  When trust is lost it can be like death, some breaches of trust are unfixable.  As I have been traversing another battle with Novopay (our national education payroll system) I was reminded of this. It may seem trivial to comparing death with salary non payment but here it is.  I don’t trust novopay to get anything right, pure and simple, because they have made many mistakes, they are often obtuse and only recognise mistakes when they are pointed out and with accompanying saber rattling.  They only seem to understand or be willing to fix things up when they are facing dire consequences.  Me I am over novopay, next mistake off to Wellington to protest on the steps of parliament or some other equally lame idea, but I refuse to do nothing. Just as I am over Novopay I am done being the trusting person that I have been for so long.  I am done with people who are unreliable, who don’t keep  their word, who stab you whilst smiling, unfortunately “one may smile, and smile, and be a villain”..  One must be always aware that one can also be the same villain!  I am having difficulty with trust issues and I fear I am becoming that which I swore I would not.  I do not want to become an island, a rock.  That kind of independence  is not what I want but I fear without the ability to trust then that is what I am destined for.I wrote many poems on the theme of my heart being on my sleeve, right now for me I am finding it difficult to find my heart, passion joie de vivre.  I temper this with the hope that I m but in a transitional phase, lots of loose ends that may tidy themselves up, or not.  But coming back to the hug freak,There are things in my life that can’t be fixed, I try to move past them to the best of my ability to wrap them up into a small impenetrable parcel  I don’t want pity, that would make me vomit at myself and I feel ill enough already so don’t pity me but be encouraged to live your life as full as possible whilst you can, try to live without regret by addressing the issues that you are likely to regret. Listen to your heart but be aware of situational  contexts that sap your emotional life. Live well and love often, Paul Paul


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