Howling At The Moon

I am so glad I don’t look like that guy I thought last week as I walked though the supermaket.  Lanky,long,greasy hair, resting his substantial belly on the handle of the supermarket trolley, which he was slumped over as if it were a walker. Old before his time, no fire in his eyes, nor spring in his step.  One of a number of people I have seen in the past week that have sparked a sense of revulsion in me.

Revulsion is a really strong word but that is what I have felt, extemely judgemental,let me explain a little though. I have learnt over the years that the things that stir up the strongest emotions in me are the things that I recognise in my own life, especially what I might call negative perceptions of other people.  The man I described in the opening paragraph may well have a rich and fulfilling life, in shortthough I know nothing of him at all.  As I thought of how I had mentally pointed a finger at him I realised that three fingers were pointing back at me. pointing hand That is the way it often is.We point out the things we see in others that we despise in ourselves.  I am not talking about things that are despicable like violence ,racist, sexist behaviour or other things that break societal norms or laws but mannerisms, personal appearance,size etc.  For me a lot of those kinds of feelings are triggered by fear.

As I was reflecting on whyI had such a stong reaction to seeing these people whom all shared the common denominator of obesity I realised that I was afraid.  fatmeAt 108 kgs I am fearful that I will slowly creep back to where I was 4 years ago.   A fat unfit slug with the life snuffed out of me, weaing old hawaian shits and track pants.  The idea revulsed me.  I am aware that I have been slowly but surely gaining weight over the last 18 months, from 93 kgs I got back up to 115, currently at 108.  The clincher was for me, trying on a 2xl shirt and finding it too small.  I felt physically sick and wanted to vomit.  I can give you lots of excuses but there is only one reason. I have been eating more than I need.  I kid myself because I can ride nearly 50 km on a trail ride but I know that my core flexibilityand strength is slowly dissapearing. I am getting fat in the face and round of belly. I can’t fit my skinny jeans.  What to do, pretty simple, stop putting rubbish in my mouth and down my throat, exercise more and look at what it is in my life that is affecting me so much that I want to eat for comfort.

The eating and exercise is relatively easy, my life is somewhat more difficult to deal with.  Life as a sole parent can be pretty relentless at times, and not having permanent employment adds to the stress.  I cannot change a lot about by circumstances that is the truth.  I am unsure that I can even change my attitude right now.  I do feel ground downwith barely the energy to even get angry at injustice right now, but I surely don’t have to shove shit in my mouth and stop exercising.  That I have choice over, Yes I have a number of physical issues that give me a lot of pain but I have those regardless of whether I exercise or not.  So with Winter upon me and the cycling not always convenient because of inclement weather off to the gym I go.  I have a goal and the absolute need to achieve it.  Will it make me happy to be well under 90 kgs, perhaps not, but I will be in a much better state to deal with issues in my life.

The fat man must go

I looked in the mirror
With much disgust
At that image
Its wasn’t august

Fat I see
Is everywhere
From head to toe
Nothing spared

Full of loathing and shame
 I look and  see
That soon I’ll be staring
At eternity

Clothes I own
More like tents
Nothing fits
Is my lament.

Watch this space

Paul

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