99 Again

Well as I have posted previously about falling off my wagon I guess I am back on my wagon again.  As I sallied forth for my daily encounter with the truth I had a pleasant surprise, back into double figures again.  The scales told me that I was 99 kgs.  I expected a slight elation but what I felt was more relief than anything else.

I am still upset with myself that I had allowed fifteen kilos to slip back on and it took the realisation that I had to buy bigger pants and shirts to get back into action.  Winter is not an ideal time to get going on weight-loss but the formula does not change. Calories out vs calories in.  I have averaged 880 gms weight-loss per week over the last 10 weeks.  How did I do that?

The first step was to look at the eating triggers, boredom, stress, loneliness are the big ones for me.  The boredom was easily fixed, I obtained full time work for a term too much work to be bored! Stress and loneliness are a little more difficult to deal with. Comfort eating is a high contributor to obesity.  Stress well that is a little more difficult to deal with, reflecting on the things that evoke a stress response in my life was part of the process, nothing unusual in those, money work and life.  Living on the margins financially is always stressful.  Work, well work is work.  I am limited as to where I can work and what I can do so I just need to focus on what I can do not that which I can’t.  Life, well that is a different matter.

Being a sole parent is difficult work.  One is constantly on duty, often questioning ones skills and never really knowing completely whether one is being a good parent, nothing quite like having someone to talk with.  I have plenty of friends whom tell me that I am doing a good job and I am grateful for that however being able to share concerns on a one to one basis with honesty is not always easy.  Finding someone who will be truthful about the good and the bad is difficult.  Worrying about where the next dollar is coming from is debilitating and saps your spirit.  I have plenty of friends who would help but a sense of dignity and independence limits my willingness to share those things.

Loneliness now that is a biggie.  It may sound counter intuitive but in order for me to deal with this narrative in my life I have had to stop looking for someone to fulfill that gap in my life.  Not that this makes me committed to a life of singleness it is just a recognition of the barriers in my life to that which I seek.  So for the moment no more internet dating.  How long for well who knows, right now having my heart out on my sleeve is just not a high priority, I do not know where will be living or working in the New Year and I need to find full-time work it just has to be.  That probably necessitates a shift and whilst I am “over” Morrinsville it is still scary to even consider a move.

The overall thing that I have reinstated that motivates me to continue to lose weight is to be truthful to myself.  Looking in the mirror, looking at my trouser and shirt size and above all else a daily truth session with my scales. Those are the things that ensure that I stay on track. Well that is it for the day for me.  Feeling a little empty, a little sad and a lot lonely but such is life.

Take care

Arohanui Paul

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One response to “99 Again

  1. Jennifer Buckle

    Hi Paul, as a single parent of 45-odd years feeling a crap parent ( and lonely etc. ) is par for the course! You love them, then eventually, the children are deemed to be adult, and they either follow your lead or react to it. it’s all God Knows territory, and eventually one finds out snippets of that knowledge.

    I have realised that I’m grateful that my children still like me, and seem to enjoy my company now that they are adults. How did I get to this stage? by muddling along and being as honest with myself and them as I could be, but mostly by making them very secure in my love for them. Knowing that, they seem to have forgiven my mistakes and random behaviour. I also think that it is very important they never hear unkind comments about their absent parent, as I believe that tells them that half of their makeup is defective – not an easy thing to reconcile oneself to.

    A couple of years ago my mother died, and my older boy gave her eulogy. He had a number of the congregation in tears (and I still get comments about it – even been asked for copy of the eulogy!) when he commented that for the whole of his life he never doubted that he was loved by all his family – so I guess the other stuff turns out to be dross.

    Sorry this not particularly profound, but I hope that you can take some encouragement from it.
    Kind regards.

    Like

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