I have been called many things at times some of the insults have been true (and probably deserved). Sir Elton John once said call me fat,call me ugly just don’t tell any lies about me. Lately a lot of people have said that I am a good man. Some to my face some to other people. I struggle with this description. Probably much nicer than the student who called me a four eyed f….ng c….t the other day it has been a long time since I was called four eyes! Anyway I almost find it offensive to be called a good man and I am having to examine why it is that I get offended about it. Those who know me well could use many adjectives to describe me, irreverent, politically incorrect, passionate, nosy, irritating just a few of the things I would describe myself as, but good really. I am usually polite, I do hold doors open for people, I will offer help (even to random strangers) i try to consider the impact my actions have on others, the world, life etc, but sometimes the thinks I think! They make me blush and I am a man of the world!
I have been a good man (or boy) most of my life or at least tried to be, I despair about my failings and weaknesses, but I am sick of being good. Being good to me seems to have had a huge cost and very little gain, being good involves laying down your life for others, giving of yourself till it hurts, putting your needs last, trying not to rock the boat, smiling when you know the assassin is putting the knife in. I know that the bible tells us to store up our treasures in heaven and I know that treasures stored here on earth are oft eaten by the locust or are temporal like tiny dots of dust, blown away in an instant. I know all that but sometimes it is just hard and as I retire to my bed by myself I rue the cost of being a good man, just saying, but there it is if there were no cost to being good well what if there was no cost to being good, I need to think about that for a while but in my opinion there is very little that comes in this world that is worthwhile that has no cost, but right now the way I feel the cost of being good is an unresolved narrative in my life that I am struggling with.
Good night and God Bless