Things change. One never knows what life will bring, and the message I guess is to make the most of it whilst you have breath. That does not deny the painfulness and hurt that we encounter in our lives and often change is narrated by pain and hurt. I had an enjoyable Christmas Eve experience when my 4 youngest and I sat on our stoop. We sung a few carols and then the older two sang for a while. This morning we gathered around the tree and exchanged gifts. These were well received. Pancakes for breakfast and then I delivered them to their mum… I am happy for them to go for sure but in the emptiness of the house my mind and heart reflected back. Not to better days at all as it has been a long time since I had a memorable Christmas. Lunch consisted of a ham sandwich potato crisps and a glass of southern comfort and mixer. I reflected back to unmet expectations. It is these expectations that I have the most trouble with in my life. I have blogged about my sense of urgency that often drives me. I know where it comes from
It is this sense of urgency that drives me to seek what I might call normalcy, I love spending time with my children but when you live in a world inhabited by couples you feel very excluded as a single person. I am single by choice right now. I have options, whilst that sense of urgency drives me to look for that person in my life the self protection mechanism of my head is guarding against being hurt again. I may be indulging in self prophecy sometimes and putting barriers up but it is very real in my life.
As I spent my afternoon by myself I was surrounded by the sounds of festivity, children laughing, games being played, adults conversing, for some such sounds may be torture for me they were a timely reminder that life carries on regardless and I can be a participant or a passenger it is up to me. I also need to remind myself about what I do have not that which I don’t. When I wake up in the morning it is to my children (not always a welcome blessing) there are many people who would give all they have to wake up to that . So whilst I may mourn for that which is lost, I celebrate for that which is real in my life. It still does not stop me from shedding tears on occasion and avoiding social situations that feature couples but for my children’s sake I will continue to engage.