As a blogger I have been sharing some very personal thoughts, quite intimate really in many ways. I would like to say that this was a deliberate strategy and there is some truth in that however part of the reason for this is that it is who I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have come to terms with who I am, see http://tinyurl.com/dorealmencry for that story. As I have been writing about hierarchy of needs I have been exposing some more of that. Part of it is cathartic, part educational for me and others and part of it is because I am passionate about living life.
I have come close on more than one occasion to physical death, including electrocution and a pulmonary embolism, and emotional lifelessness…. well enough on that matter. I am nearly 50 and have still got a lot of living left to catch up on, hence the weight loss and the reformation of my life in general. I make no excuses now for a certain sense of urgency in my life around relationships and fulfilment. Living with one eye on the future and one on the here and now is always a challenge. There is I confess a certain attraction in the immediacy of living life on a day to day basis and filling it with distractions that take us away from the main game. However I have the feeling, no not a feeling a certain knowledge that in the end such a life will leave me with a bitter taste in my mouth and regrets so back to the main game, oh yes that is what I wanted to talk about.
To a large degree Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is quite individualistic in its focus and whilst much of the conceptual thinking is worthwhile the model is not quite the right for for me. My ethos fits more into Mason Durie’s model of Nga Tapa Wha http://tinyurl.com/Ngatapawha. This concept whilst essentially Maori links well with my Celtic roots and Irish view of family that I operate in. I see myself as a part of a family and I want a partner to fit into that. Not fit into my family per se but to form a new family unit. I look at family unit from a wide perspective much wider than the nuclear family. I know that what I seek is difficult and perhaps even idealistic but for me as a sole parent with children on my hands for the next 6 years or so that is my reality and nothing can change that and the nature of my roles is that I am a 24/7 dad so my partner has to fit with that and I with their commitments
When I think about the tensions that inevitably arise from such a position it makes my decisions more understandable (no easier) but it is helpful to know why and how I think and operate. I understand how I construct and model the norms in my life and why I seek the things I do. I operate from a largely traditional value base that has at its centre a relationship where two adults share their lives and they live together in commitment. What that commitment looks like is largely irrelevant to this narrative.
Now some people may see this as needy and old fashioned, my answer to that is each to their own. I have moved on from a position where I see singleness as a form of deficit if that is what meets someone’s needs then that is great. It just doesn’t meet mine. Others have successful long distance relationships that are more casual and have few expectations beyond monogamy, not a model that works for me either.
The problem with such a clearly defined set of needs is the possibility that in seeking these things one may overlook the obvious and postpone the realisation of that set of conditions that helps to bring wholeness into ones life. However for me the way I am hard wired it seems that I have no choice in the matter. There are just some things that are bottom line in my life, for better or for worse I like to wake up to someone in my life in the same bed as me. The whole is more than the sum of its parts.