What makes me happy?
Talking to a friend of mine tonight and he asked me just what is it that makes me happy? I had to think about it for a while, he was asking what did I need in my life. I know some of the answers to that question. I have spoken before about being able to look at myself without recrimination? Having integrity, being comfortable with what I see, what I do and how I fit into the world, accepting myself, my strengths and my weaknesses. That is the first thing I need in my life without that I have nothing to give to any one. The second thing I need in my life is for my family to know that I love and care for them and that I will protect, cherish and always be concerned about their wellbeing. Loving them enough to let them make their own decisions as they are able and to give them their independence. The next most important thing in my life is my friends, few as they are I value and hold dearly those who I can count as true friends.
The next thing I need in my life is a purpose. I exist to make a difference. I do not ever want to be a space renter that when I move on leaves nothing but a dust mark of where I stood still in life and gathered dirt. I need a place to live, food to eat and clothes to wear. Right now I have all of those things and yet I have this gaping hole in my life that I seek to fill. My friend said that he had to learn to be happy with his own company? And I talked about that in length with him. For me that means knowing that I am responsible for my own happiness. No other person in my life can do that for me. Does that mean that I am happy to be single. No not at all.
I know that being alone will not kill me but at times it gnaws holes in my heart that are hard to patch up. Knowing the comfort of a loving embrace that is non judgmental, open and accepting is something that I desire strongly. With all the emotional (and physical) intimacy that comes with it. Not too much to ask I think? Well I guess it is a pretty high bar to set to ask for a partner in my life to give me things that I may not be able to give back. I pride myself on my tolerance but I still struggle in some areas. On openness I give myself a pretty good score, some may say I am for too open and I can say that I resemble that remark but that is the curse of a Romantic whose heart is on his sleeve. Acceptance goes with tolerance and I guess I have to confess that there are some things that I just can’t accept.
What does that make me? I guess it makes me like everyone else in this world. I am on a journey and I am not perfect. There I said the p word and confessed my lack of awesomeness. Speaking of my lack of perfection I now need to write some more on another subject so I will sign off for now.
A poem that expresses some of what i have to say