Back to the blog. I was writing about the beginning of my journey from emotional illiteracy to literacy. I was enrolled in the personal awareness and self development paper. A second year pysch course. Essentially it was three parts New Age philosophy and one part psychology, if consisted of the obligatory reflective journaling and navel gazing as well as meditation, self talk and exploration. It was through the practice of reflective journaling that I began my journey of being set free from the cold deathly grasp of fear on my life. I still fell it upon me from time to time and I must admit it is more often than I would prefer however it does not have the power over me any more that it did.
The ability to write my deepest, innermost thoughts and get marked on them for their “honesty” and for my ability to write about them seemed too easy. However there was something in it. The behaviour that was modelled by the lecturer was very important. When I wrote an evangelical rant about being expected to be tolerant of people who believed in spirit guides and clairvoyance I was not challenged about my disbelief in the subject I was however challenged about how this was worked out in my life.
Concepts such as tolerance, acceptance, compassion and caring were talked about and modelled. I was taught that I did not have to be on the same page and vice versa with other people, that we did not have to agree with each other to be friends and that we did not have to argue or even to agree to disagree, we could just be. My beliefs and experience of the power of being right and the power of having the last say was challenged. This was experiences that were ingrained into me, traumatic damaging events that destroyed my self esteem and were so large in my life that I can remember them vividly to this day. One of these is outlined on my blog. Ha Ha I Still Hate You, http://goo.gl/A7DzN . There were other events as well that I will outline in later blogs. Suffice to say the value of the last word had been ingrained into me. It was important.
When I gave that up it was very powerful. I do not need to respond to slammed doors, shouted invectives, petty hissed words. I do respond to reasoned request for explanations and reconsiderations of my decisions as a parent and to some degree as a teacher as well. Every situation is different and sometimes there needs to be consequences for actions, however I am able to divorce any feelings of inadequacy or powerlessness that I may feel when these kinds of things occur and respond instead (most often) in a reasoned and responsible way. That leaves room for dignity, hopefully does not inflame a situation and is respectful to my self and to others.
It was the beginning of my journey towards wholeness that continues today. It is one of the reasons that I continue to wear my heart on my sleeve.
Walk well and give yourself time to reflect.