Moving on for today, I just want to come back to something that I said at the beginning of my last blog. As I said a good friend thought my blog would be cathartic. I mentioned my fight or flight reaction, an explanation which is more of an illumination really. Why did that comment elicit a reaction like that. Fight or flight is usually a reaction to perceived danger, well I guess at a base level I perceived danger in that comment. Was it meant to say that I had some issues that I needed to work through? Was the comment meant to say that my blog was some form of a confessional so that I would feel better? Those were the two questions that popped up into my head. A prickly character you may thing even reactionary. We ll perhaps yes and perhaps no.
Coming from a back ground of emotional illiteracy which was grounded in a real lack of self worth has deeply ingrained these kinds of responses in me. The difference between the bad old days and today is stark. In the past I may have seen such words as a diremptive attack on my persona, when I read those words, and felt that old feeling I recognised what was happening in that I knew something had been triggered and I needed to have a look at it. Having a look at a feeling or reaction for me is a process where I take a virtual look in the mirror and apply a form of Cognitive Behavioural Theory. I ask myself the truth of the matter and then I confront the possibilities of such truth.
Now in this matter I do not know what my friend meant and it is most likely that it was well meaning comment but the truth of the matter is it does not really matter what was being said, it elicited a response and I needed to deal with that, so I have. I asked myself why blog? And I came up with a whole lot of reasons. Firstly I blog because I recognise one of the things that has held me back in my life is a lack of self discipline. This lack of discipline saw me under achieve at school, in my marriage, in my career, my studies and in my role as a father. It resulted in my ballooning to a gross, morbidly obese blob of nearly 140 kgs. I was essentially lazy and I knew it but was bound in that behaviour by fear. So I blog because it is good discipline. I say I want to be a writer and by writing a blog I am making that happen.
The second reason I blog is because rightly or wrongly I think I may have something to say that may be of some use to people. I think I have gained insights over the last 30 years through my study, my life experience and through interacting with like minded people that has some practical application. I have made many mistakes in my life and as I say to my children when I talk about those mistakes, I ask that they learn from my mistakes, go ahead and make their own but try not to repeat the mistakes I have made. I think such a philosophy will bring about the death of perpetuating generations of unemployment, psychology and emotional illiteracy.
The third reason that I blog is because I enjoy it. I enjoy the challenge of sitting at the computer and trying to bring to life my thoughts and musings through the medium of the written word. I also enjoy the fact that some people may think and admire what I am doing. Does that make me vain? Maybe but right now I can live with it.
I blog because I see it as a way of building a network. I have a desire to be a writer and to be rewarded for that in a financial way as well so unashamedly I see it as a way of raising my profile. I see it as a successful business strategy.
Then we get to the nitty gritty, is my blogging a form of therapy for me? Does it provide a cathartic release? Is my friend correct? Well yes . I am re-establishing my life and rewriting the parts of my life that I brought despair and hopelessness in my life. Another good friend of mine remarked to me to be careful of wearing my heart on my sleeve. That remark was well meaning and probably good advice. It certainly motivated me to look at where I wear my heart. It is still firmly on my sleeve.
That is who I am, a hopeless romantic who believes firmly in life love and laughter. I laugh out loud, sing loudly, love willingly and without reservation and have no regrets. This does cause moments of pain and heartache but I would not exchange it for a life of mediocrity and greyness. Such a diremptive life is merely sitting and waiting for death, just sitting there waiting to be pushed into the grave that I have dug for myself. No thanks, not today nor tomorrow hopefully never!
Live well, love fervently, be inappropriate and sing loudly. Enjoy life whilst you still have it!
Here is a link to my first poem in the heart on my sleeve series.